My MK Retreat Experience post

 

Ashley Broening

Adult MK from Indonesia (2005-2013), daughter of [redacted] with [redacted] org

7.9.22

I heard about the [redacted] MK Retreats last winter from my mom. When she sent me the poster of the dates of the Young Adult retreat in June, I shrugged and marked it on my calendar, thinking, "I'll probably have a lot of fun if it works out for me to be able to go. I'll really have to try hard to make it a priority though, because if I'm not so sure about going, anyone could try talking me out of it or asking me to not take time off work that weekend unless it's really a thing I need to do for myself."

I don't have any other MKs in my current circle of friends and acquaintances. I knew a lot of them in high school (I still lived overseas and then at the NTMA center in AZ) and during my 3 semesters at [redacted] University, but after meeting my husband at my second cousin's wedding in Ohio and moving there after dropping out of college for mental health reasons (there were better therapy options and job opportunities in [redacted city] than in AZ so I took the opportunity to move in with my empty-nester future in-laws for a year), I found myself in a zone I'd never really experienced 24/7. Sure, I went to a public high school for a couple years and knew a lot of people who weren't missionaries, but this was basically complete isolation from anyone I knew before, aside from my cousins, and they weren't missionaries. I had a good church to go to for a long time until it went through some really difficult changes and my in-laws left and were used by the Lord to help plant a new church, which I've been attending for about three months now. Still no missionaries there, though there are at least people who have met missionaries before, I think. 

...I think I'm doing too much explaining... Basically, I've been a hidden immigrant without any fellow TCKs in my life for five years. Five years that I've really loved, mostly because of my husband and his family and their support, but five years of spending energy every day fitting in and doing everything I could to be worthy of the love I was given by my new family. I struggled with jobs, being let go or fired for different reasons that my mental health was the primary cause of, and had trouble finding the right counselor/therapist for me for a long time.

I'm not saying that a five day excursion to reunite with "my people" has changed my life, but I'm not saying it didn't... My field of view had become so narrow and self-defensive in my attempts to maintain an identity as a "good person" that when I had a chance to step back and just close my eyes and exist for a few days, it was as if, metaphorically, my ears popped after driving down a mountain and I realized that I hadn't been fully present and aware of things, and that I'd been unaware of my clogged perception.

Some of the best parts of the retreat were spent talking. One of the many insecurities I had been sheltering for so long had been my embarrassment at how my ADD would get the better of me when I was excited and I would talk too loudly, too much, and too quickly, often interrupting and missing social cues in my exuberance. The embarrassment I felt from others feeling uncomfortable and from loved ones being embarrassed about my actions had begun to dull my enthusiasm for a lot of things, and I simply didn't know what to do about it.

When I came back from the retreat, my husband Alex told me nearly right away that I had a new confidence in me that I hadn't had before, perhaps not in a long time. That made me so happy. I recognized that I'd been able to be in an environment where my voice was relevant, valued, and even respected, and I hadn't felt like I was talking over anyone because so many of the conversations I'd had were ones in which both sides shared the same excitement. Sure, some other MKs I met there also had ADHD, but not all of them. It wasn't that. It was the common background, experiences, and struggles we shared that were lighting the same passion in all our hearts.

For a long time, I had begun to subconsciously doubt my value as a human being and my usefulness as an adult. But after the eye-opening weekend of the retreat, I began to look at my future with excitement and wonder instead of fear and shame. Maybe I could be good at this thing, or that thing, and all I need is to start.

I'm not saying all my problems went away. I still had an apartment full of dirty dishes and piles of laundry that I had been putting off for so long that it had gotten too big to handle by myself in one day. My ADD was still a large factor in the forefront of my every thought and plan, and it was still exhausting as it always had been. But the belief that it was getting better and that I was going to keep working on it by the grace of God was keeping my heart from dismay.

The Facebook group chat that we formed afterwards was a great way to stay connected and reminded of what I'd learned on my trip. When I was fired from my job a week after getting home, I shared it with the group, who prayed for me, and when Alex and I had our second offer for buying a condo get accepted, I shared it there too, and it was good to have that connection with everybody in my excitement over the prospect of buying a home and moving in (which would be the 20th move in my 25 years of life, by the way.)

Next year will be my last year to qualify as a young adult to attend the retreat, and I'm working on convincing Alex to come with me—I'm pretty sure he said "okay" at some point, but I have yet to really nail it down and set it in stone that he's gonna come with me. I'll keep working on that. But after I turn 27 in a couple years, I certainly think I would love to volunteer as a staff member at the retreat as others my age have done this past year. I'll do anything to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone and that I have a bright future ahead of me.

So mark me down for next year, and the next, and the next, and don't let me back out of going! I can confidently say now, "This is something I need to make a priority in my life, because it really is a thing I need to do for myself."

—ACB 7.9.22